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Thread: AI 5 - Top 11 Recap: This is NOT a happy doo doo song!

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    Thumbs up AI 5 - Top 11 Recap: This is NOT a happy doo doo song!

    3/26/06 - This is NOT a happy doo doo song!

    American Idol: Top 11 Recap - 50's Night

    Last week on American Idol...

    After a thoroughly eye-opening Stevie Wonder night (blind joke: check), we lost Melissa McGhee. However, all of America just had to admit: her regahliction just wasn't a hot one tonight. In a post-show interview, Melissa had this to say about her performance and ouster:

    Not that I'm a fan of seeing little kids piss themselves on stage, but how hilarious would Melissa be as the word pronouncer for the National Spelling Bee? That would be a big ball of awesome wrapped in a tortilla of OMGWTF.

    We open this week's show with Ryan telling us that the final 11 has put their future in our hands, and that, "Every one of them believes they have what it takes to make it all the way to the finale." That scares me a bit, because I just know someone out there truly believes it will be Kevin vs. Bucky in a confetti-strewn showdown come finale time. The opening credits roll, and cut to Ryan strutting his stuff as the screen parts and once again, behold the sea of posters and banners. Because humankind is not without its flaws, we're treated to this particular gem:

    Now, I hope her mom knows she's whoring her out on national TV, cause if not... girl is totally losing her allowance for a month. Also, let us take a moment to digest the R-Y-A-N signs. Memo to world: fluorescent green bristol board + tinsel + ugly lettering = eye rape.

    Ryan solemnly tell us that there was commotion across the country when he announced the bottom 3 last week... so if we didn't vote last week, we can make it up tonight. Colour me psychic, but somewhere, Melissa is pissing herself with rage at that logic.

    The remaining idols traipse out and FOX has shuffled the lineup. The new pimp order of the week is:

    Mandisa, Bucky, Paris, Chris, Katharine, Taylor, Lisa, Kevin, Elliott, Kellie, and finally Constantine.

    I'm not quite understanding the order here, so the only logical explanation I can come up with is that they've sandwiched the cannon fodder less popular contestants (Bucky, Lisa, Kevin) in between highly-pimped contestants (Mandisa, Paris, Taylor) to make the former look bad and the latter look good.

    We're introduced to the judges, and Ryan questions Randy about the difficulty of singing 50's songs. Randy replies that it'll be easier than last week because there are less runs in 50's music, but nevertheless, it will be tough. Paula slurs, somewhat drunkenly, that having heard that [the idols] worked with a masterful man, she expects them to be stellar. Simon gets attacked by Ryan for predicting the final three in a recent media interview; Simon could care less what Ryan thinks and coldly dismisses any wrongdoing.

    FYI, Simon named "the bald-headed kid", "the guy with gray hair [...] and Kellie Pickler" as the final three. We can safely assume that "dumbass blonde" was censored by FOX.

    It's 50's Week, and Fanilows go buck wild as we get a brief biography of this week's guest vocal trainer: Barry Manilow. What it all boils down to is that Barry's face transcends time, insofar as it scares the living daylights out of adults and children alike. He also wrote a bunch of hits, but really, who needs hits when you have the best people designing your CD art?

    The idols were flown to Vegas to meet with Barry who interviews that he loves doing this kind of stuff (working with other singers) and that if his career as a performer were to end today, that's what he'd choose do. When he retires, he's totally putting together a Fanilow conscription to create an army and take over the world. Copacabatallion anyone?

    First up tonight is MANDISA who admits that she doesn't know much about The Manilow, but has a newfound respect for him. Mandisa has chosen to sing I Don't Hurt Anymore, recorded by Dinah Washington in 1954. They discuss how to begin and end the song, and despite Barry's insistence that she start the song big, Mandisa isn't having any of that. She firmly states that she will be opening soft and ending big. Barry quickly agrees, partly because he realizes his torso is roughly the size of Mandisa's arm. Flustered, Barry accidentally babbles:

    Manilow Moment #1

    Mandisa looks positively radiant with a new permed pouf hairdo and some heist-worthy diamonds dripping from her neck, ears and wrist. True to her word, she starts softly with a side dish of sass, but promptly flips the switch on and sings the hell out of the song. She ends the song on a somewhat wonky note, but it's about a 7.8 on the Richter, so we can hardly tell the difference anyways.

    Randy: Wow! I'm speechless right now! Classy way to start the night. Mandina... uh, Mandisa has set the mark tonight.
    Paula: It's difficult in this genre of music and be in the seat and escape. You're a thoroughbred.
    Paula was in a seat once. And kids, this is what happens when you don't wear your seatbelt.
    Simon: You are blossoming! Apart from the vocal, it was a very sexy performance, it's like a great stripper song. Absolutely loved it!

    Ryan and Mandisa banter, and I need to slap whoever decided it was OK for skinny white men like Ryan to say "bling" in public. It's just... not right.

    Next up is BUCKY COVINGTON who'll be singing Oh Boy!, recorded by Buddy Holly in 1957. Um, when one sees an exclamation mark in the actual song title, it *might* be a clue that the song is cheesier than a Kraft factory. What's also a bad sign? When Barry Manilow tells you that your singing sounds just really long and that nothing is happening.

    Manilow Moment #2: Finish the sentence...

    Bucky starts to sing and Buddy Holly barfed a little in his grave. The Kleenex box on my desk is more rock and roll than this song, and it's one of those floral patterned ones. To make things worse, Bucky insists on throwing and flipping his microphone from hand to hand after every line. The whole thing is just creepy (Oh Boy!). Shudders. Well, at least his hair is back to it's natural stringy, dank self.

    Randy: I liked the little mic technique. The falsetto at the end... it was a good song choice for you.
    Paula: You can tell that you and Barry worked great together. It was a solid performance.
    Simon: Now, a reality check. It was nothing than a pointless karaoke performance. It was a "so what" performance.

    Actually, I'd call it a "kills bunnies" performance.

    PARIS BENNETT will be giving us a bit of Fever (the song she sang in the Hollywood round) that was recorded by Peggy Lee in 1958. Barry asserts thats Peggy Lee was cool, but that Paris wasn't cool... she was hot. That was so Paris Hilton.

    The camera zooms in on Paris who looks like she just stepped straight out of a smoky bar in the 50's. The performance is one of the coolest and slickest we've seen on AI; her hair, face, dress, voice, dancing... everything is spot on. Well, everything except the parts where she randomly throws in a Jamaican accent that, which while highly amusing, slightly throws the performance off.

    The Jamaican Fever?

    Paris has abandoned the Fantasia-yeahs, and brought back the jazzy and sultry voice from her initial audition and knocks it out of the park.

    Randy: Wow! I didn't know how it would go, but by the middle, you blew it out the box! Gotta give you your props.
    Paula: Yeah, I forgot your were 17 with some of those moves. Your vocals were impeccable.
    I have a feeling Paula forgets a lot of things.
    Simon: This is what you do best Paris. You have the perfect voice for that king of song.

    To her credit, Paris doesn't bust out the sing-song answers this week in her post-performance interview with Ryan. All is well while she chirps through the questions, and then all of a sudden, this slaps me in the face:

    Constantine, AI Alum... OK, I get. Ryan Cabrera... not so much. I guess they tried to get Ashlee but she decided that attending a show where people *really* sing (with their own mouths!) was above her.

    After the break, Ryan product places Singular Wireless and informs us that we can buy and download Idol ringtones. Uh, there are also star-shaped toilets but you don't see many people buying those either. Ryan is assisted by 7-year old Sammy who works the screen like a pro, shoving that cell phone right up into the camera man. Sammy looks thoroughly unimpressed by Ryan.

    We segue into CHRIS DAUGHTRY who informs us he'll be tackling Johnny Cash's I Walk The Line from 1955. Chris plays good husband and explains that the man in black wrote this to his wife to promise her he'll stay faithful while touring, and he [Chris] relates to it. Well that's sweet. Tell it to the groupies! Chris will be doing a decidedly non-Cash rendition of the song, and the Manilow feels that Chris really knows who he is.

    Chris is wearing (shocker!) all black and delivers a very intense performance. Minus his freaky vacant eyes, Chris does an excellent job with the song, showcasing his non-gravelly voice in the first half of the song. Then all hell breaks loose and he reverts back to the rock-screaming, but it's an awesome arrangement and so once again, the audience goes wild.

    Pick out Paula: the Audio game!

    Click here and try to pick out Paula's cheering.

    (Hint: Yes, she's the one that sounds like a drunken coyote.)

    Randy: I don't know if it was the best vocal, but I love that you put your own spin on a well-known song and it fits exactly who you are.
    Paula: There are a few AI Idols that I wait for each week, you are so true to who you are and you don't ever abandon it. Like you... you should already be touring.
    Simon: Not the best vocal, but I don't think it matters. You took a great song, made it your own version. You are the first artist we've had that refuses to compromise.

    For reasons unknown, Chris decides to let everyone know he screwed up a few lines, even though none of the judges commented on it. Melissa McGhee just swore at her television.

    We get some pre-preformance talk between Ryan and KATHARINE McPHEE who reveals that she caught an interview between Terri Seymour (Simon's girlfriend) and Simon himself, in which Simon forgets Katharine's name. He calls her McVee or something. The dialogue is pointless and boring, and Katharine actually comes off a bit obnoxious and fake. Cut to her singing workshop with Barry where we find out she'll be singing the Ella Fitzgerald classic Come Rain or Come Shine from 1956. She cutely informs us she'll be singing it to someone, but that America will never know who.

    The beginning is seductive and sultry, with awesome instrumentals to back it up. Her voice is still in top form. Unfortunately, her dress isn't. Unless pregnancy is the new black, I see no reason why she would want to fatty up her stomach with dresses like that. The song is beautiful performed, except (once again) when she goes for the ultra high notes, where the screeching is ear-piercingly evident.

    Randy: Wow, wow. Sounds like you've got your own dawg pound. Not my favourite vocal, but it was still really really strong. Dude, you worked it out!
    Paula: It may be tough to pick an Ella song, but only you could pull it off. You look exquisite tonight. I feel you'll be one of the contenders all the way through the competition.
    When Paula tells you you look exquisite, you know you should probably go change.
    Simon: Something happened tonight. I think tonight, you turned into a star. It was like watching a real seasoned great performer. It comes under the "special" category... loved it.

    Ryan says Katharine looks great and she reveals that she is [double-sided] taped into the dress. It's a J Lo moment! Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got! I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the... Oops. Got a bit carried away there.

    TAYLOR HICKS will be singing Not Fade Away from 1957 by Buddy Holly. Taylor sashays in to meet Barry singing Mandy. Barry says that Taylor has one of the best male vocalists on the show, and is a whiskey tenor. Whiskey? That explains the twitches.

    Clad in a shiny (waterproof?) lavender-grey suit, the Taylor awkwardness is back in full for force this week. The voice, as always, is on pointe but it's overshadowed by his extremely distracting dancing and shaking. I'm still betting on a tabloid headline that reads "AI CONTESTANT DYSLEXIC: AGE 92, NOT 29".

    Randy: Dude, you having a blast. I don't know if it was the most challenging vocally, but you worked it out.
    Paula: You gotta love the fact that it was either a number 1 or top 10 record and everyone danced to it back in the day, and everyone was doing that "Bump... Bump... Bump, Bump". Someone should be shooting this and making an exercise video out of this.
    Simon: Sorry... But... *BOOS* It was a complete mess. That was like some hideous party performance. *Paula babbles incoherently* Paula, you're talking rubbish.

    Paula and Simon start to argue, and bless Paula because without her, we'd never have glorious sh!t like this:

    Hear the audio too! --> Paula: Ya snap on the UPBEAT INSTEAD OF THE DOWNBEAT!!!!!!

    Cute as a button LISA TUCKER talks with Ryan about being in the bottom 3, and says that every night she tries her best and that's all she can do. And you know, she's right. She hasn't been horrible by any stretch, but trying to snag votes alongside Paris is like trying to share a stool with Mandisa. Valiant as your attempt may be, it ain't happening.

    Lisa will be singing Why Do Fools Fall In Love? from 1956 by Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, a song that Barry says has four key changes. The Manilow says Lisa is a powerhouse and musical, so he wanted to give her a more powerful entrance.

    For the first time this season, Lisa seems to be completely at ease on stage and is moving with the flow, as opposed to looking like a robot who knows exactly where to move, look and point. Her vocals aren't as impressive, but then again, the song isn't her favourite kind (Whitney, remember?). There's a lot of "Why do birds sing" this and "Why do fools fall in love" ... when really, she should be asking, "Why the hell aren't you voting for me? I'll have you know, I got 31 stars on Star Search!!!"

    Randy: Good song choice, it kept you really young. I don't know if it was like "Oh my god", but it was just alright.
    Paula: You got back to the youthfulness. You're 16 and you are a powerhouse.
    Simon: Shall I judge the singing or the dancing, Paula? It was OK. There are times, when I feel like I'm trapped in a high school music. It's all a bit cutesy.

    After commercials, we return to Barry talking about how sweet KEVIN COVAIS is, and how he picked a song that was perfect for a boy his age. "I love you, you love me" by Barney?! Actually, it's When I Fall In Love", released in 1956 by Nat King Cole, and we learn that Kevin has never fell in love yet, but hopes to in the future. Apparently, Kevin was all for belting the song out, but Barry put a stop to that and made sure it was vulnerable.

    The song suits Kevin very well. And by suit, I mean it doesn't make him look or sound like a pretentious ass. Gone are the dance moves, and all references to sex symbols. (Though, I don't doubt for a minute that if this was 90's music night, Kevin would be singing "I'm Too Sexy".) Kevin's voice is soft, endearing, and quite pleasing; he holds back on the belting but alas, cannot hold back the blinking. If I were Visine, I'd snap Kevin up as a spokesperson, pronto. Dude is a natural.

    Randy: You chose one of my fave songs of all time. You did a pretty good job... I see me in you.
    Irrespective of the fact that Kevin is roughly the size of one of Randy's thighs, this still doesn't make much sense to me.
    Paula: It takes a lot of courage to start the song sitting 10 feet from Simon. People adore you.
    Simon: I like you. Because, you're like a man. You take it well. It wasn't the best version, but your audience is going to love that version.

    You know who also loves that version? Kevin's family, apparently:

    Mwa ha ha! Someone's getting fired again! Well at least this explains why Kevin is still on the show. Hawaii Vote Scandal 2.0!

    We return from commercials to see ELLIOTT YAMIN wave all crazy-like to the audience. He's kind of like an overgrown child, the way he acts, smiles and reacts. A child with unfortunate teeth and a goatee. Elliott decides to tell America that he wasn't too fond of the Manilow's music. On Barry Manilow night.

    Explain to me that thought process.

    He'll be singing Teach Me Tonight by Al Jarreau from 1955, but Barry feels he's just singing the words and not feeling it. He wants Elliott to caress the song. I'm not quite sure Elliott knows what the word "caress" means, but for now, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Elliott says that Barry has arranged music for anyone who is anyone. Let me google TATU and get back to you on that.

    It's another characteristic smooth vocal by Elliott, but he's continuing to lose the spark we first saw in the top 24 round. I don't think anyone doubts that his voice is great, but he's got to start choosing songs that don't all sound the same. He's also got to start choosing a new hairstyle. The "hacking bangs off forehead" look just isn't doing it for him. I must say though, the best part of Elliott's performance was... the camera cutting to Lindsay Cardinale in the audience! So pretty!

    Randy: You chose the hardest song tonight with all the modulations and such... but you worked it out! Love you! Love your voice!
    Paula: I've got goosebumps. I don't care Simon! You move me! You're fantastic!
    Simon: Since this is a singing competition, allow me to judge your singing. It was fantastic.

    The second-last spot of the night goes to KELLIE PICKER, who called her grandpa when she found out it was 50's week. He advises her to do Patsy Cline's Walkin' After Midnight from 1957, which is a song that Barry admits he doesn't know... he's from Brooklyn, biatch. Barry has to continually remind Kellie that this is a song about a desperate woman whose man has left her. In strict technical vocal terms:

    Manilow Moment #3

    Kellie does her little country bumpkin act with Barry as well, and to this he replies:

    Manilow Moment #4

    Back in her country element, Kellie finally gives us a legitimate reason why she's in the Top 11. The song is perfect for her voice, and she works every part of the stage, audience, and the little platform thingy behind the judges. All in all, it's an impressive performance from the resident naughty little minx.

    Randy: Yo Pickler. Great song choice. You did a good performance, I like how you gave Simon that wink.
    Paula: It's minx, not mink. (Kellie: Yeah, I thought he was calling me like a jacket? A coat?) Paula: No no... you were the TIGRESS tonight. The tigress. Yes you were.
    I for one, would love to see Paula and Kellie play Scrabble together.
    Simon: You got this absolutely right. It was ballsy, sexy.

    And we have an official winner for poster of the night...

    Oh man. That's hideous.

    Once again, Kellie acts as dumb as a bag of (Dill Pickle) chips while talking to Ryan. Seriously, the girl cannot possibly be this dense. I refuse to believe that someone who can turn on the sex appeal like she just did on stage, would consider "Muh EYELASHES are better!" as her exciting news of the week.

    Closing the show is ACE YOUNG, who is introduced by the camera savvy 7-year old Sammy. Ace will be singing In The Still of the Night, done by the Five Satins in 1956. Barry is the funnyman du jour as he interviews that when he heard Ace would be doing a jazzy version of the song, he thought, "uhm... oh... I may be... well we ALL may be disappointed in that." Hah. I love when Barry criticizes people. Barry is awesome.

    Ace has an uncanny talent of keeping a vacant stare for the longest period of time. I'm not sure whether he practices, or if it's just the lack of anything going on behind the eyes. It's appears that Ace is also very fond of the Jesus-arms-out-to-the-side position while singing. His voice is still middle of the pack, and his hair is greasier than ever, and whatd'ya know, he ends on a falsetto. It's getting a bit tired, but hey... if Sammy likes you, you must be doing something right.

    Randy: You're back tonight baby!
    Paula: I counted, there are 34 signs that say "Will You Marry Me?" This is your best performance.
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but Paula can't count can she? I'm so confused.
    Simon: It wasn't the best vocal tonight. But I don't think that matters, you won't be in the bottom 3. One of your strongest performances.

    And sadly, Manilow's 50's night is over. We get a recap of the phone numbers to call and we're almost done...

    What the <beep> was that <beep>? That little old man with his <beep> face and his <beep> <beep> <beep> and he thinks he's ALL that? Rhonetta would Copaca<beep> his <beep> if he tried to tell her what to do! And that <beep> Paula needs to <beep>ing stop taking those pills, gurl! She's a <beep>ing <beep> <beep> <beep>. Tired old <beep>. I'm out.

    ... and Scene.

    -Sir Bitter

    P.S. I forget where in the show this happens, but really... does it matter?

    For More American Idol news: SirLinksalot: American Idol

  2. #2
    SirBitter you are amazing. You are able to capture the funniest moments that as viewers we miss. Your recaps are really becoming multimedia with the sound clips and everything.


    ETA: I'm so happy Sammy made it to your recap!

  3. #3
    OH.MY.GOD. That was <beep>ing hilairious!!!!!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Bitter
    Irrespective of the fact that Kevin is roughly the size of one of Randy's thighs, this still doesn't make much sense to me.
    . You're Paula comments are priceless. I LOVE the way you include the funniest sound clips! I fell off my chair to Paula's cheering!!!

  4. #4
    Bahamian Princess RubenIZMyne's Avatar
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    OMG that was hilarious - the pic with paula snapping almost made me pee my pants. Randy looks like a drunken robot.

    Awesome Recap Bitter.
    If you never lead teh pack, the view never changes.

  5. #5
    RTVG Idol DamonV's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    I loved it sir Bitter

    Kellie and Paula playing Scrabble, that's priceless. I'd actualy give the edge to the Pickle, Paula be to hopped up on pills.

    The Dill Pickle poster was funny
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  6. #6
    Fantastic recap, SirBitter!!!

    Funny, informative and worth the read... except the few digs at the expense of The Manilow, LOLOLOL

    But, I'll forgive ya!
    Are you looking for a family "heirloom"? Check out my website in my profile for One-Of-A-Kind afghans!! Now ONSITE: Ponchos & Swimwear

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  7. #7
    Administrator Aly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Bitter
    OMG, that is hilarious!

    Great job, Bitter!

  8. #8
    If I'm being honest *booo* ( ), I think the mp3s took the spotlight this time! I laughed at every single one of them. "Jamaican Fever"... CLASSIC!

    My favorite pics? "Crick in my back", "Kevin's Family" (OH EM GE! I didn't even notice that they put that when they showed my Jas. Shame on them, but at least that person is fired haha!), "Words cannot express...", and "Am I sagging?"

    You always pick the perfect pictures! Once again, AWESOME job!
    Please get a copy of Kat McPhee's album IN STORES NOW!...

  9. #9
    It was Roffle-licious!

  10. #10
    Great job Sir Bitter - aha ha ha ha - as Manilow would say~

    Classic was Paris and the "Jamacian Fever" !!

  11. #11
    RTVG Idol DoeBoy's Avatar
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    Loved it!

  12. #12
    RTVG Idol toque's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    Excellent work, as usual, Sir Bitter!

    I always love the visuals, but it was the audios that really had me... how you say... OMGWTFLMAO!

    *cheers like a drunken coyote!* <<< that smilie is starting to look like Paula...

  13. #13
    I love your recaps! I was cracking up over those picture comments, love em!

    O N E C U T A B O V E

    Vote "The Sauvignon Serenade"

  14. #14
    Bahamian Princess RubenIZMyne's Avatar
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    Well I wasn't going to say anything, but I don't get the whole Jamaican fever comment - Paris doesn't come anywhere close to having a Jamaican accent, or any other Caribbean accent.
    If you never lead teh pack, the view never changes.

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by RubenIZMyne
    Well I wasn't going to say anything, but I don't get the whole Jamaican fever comment - Paris doesn't come anywhere close to having a Jamaican accent, or any other Caribbean accent.
    Heh, maybe it was just my untrained Canadian ear lmao! Sorry if it offended anyone, didn't mean to at all. I just found it hilarious that in the middle chunk, her accent totally changes, and then flips back to how she originally sings. It sounded vaguely like a Jamaican-English accent to me, the way the consonants were inflected. :o

    5+ bonus for anyone who can place the accent more correctly! Let me know and I'll correct the recap hehe.

    P.S. TY for the comments everyone! Sorry for the lateness this week. I had huge writer's block and was stuck on the second singer forever and couldn't get past it. But then, Paula's snapping and bouncing inspired me *snicker*.

  16. #16
    Sir Bitter, thanks for another great one! It was definitely worth the wait! (And I thought Paris launched into Jamaican, too.)

  17. #17
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    Talking This is NOT a happy doo doo song!

    OMG that was hilarious - the pic with paula snapping almost made me pee my pants. Randy looks like a drunken robot.

    THANKS.. it was worth waiting for..

  18. #18
    RTVG Apprentice
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    Sir Bitter, your recaps are well worth the wait, and you're becoming famous on other boards as well. I am an instant fan, and I can't wait for the next one. You must write professionally to be that good!!

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