Somewhere in Los Angeles.
Two women sit, all by themselves, in a waiting-room-looking row of chairs up against a large hallway.
Both of them are wearing strange-looking minimal swimsuits.
The Asian-looking girl on the right, wearing a mint-green get up, is rubbing her hands vigorously against her arms and tapping her left leg impatiently, while a tall, blonde girl in pink looks completely spaced out on the left.
Asian: *to Blonde* I mean, they could’ve at least given us a robe or something…
Blonde: wait. OH MY GOD. you actually speak English???
...I’m literally from California.
Blonde: ...oh. But like, what are you?
Asian: ..you know, human?
I meant, like, what’s your, um… Eff-niticy?
Is that how you say it?
Asian: No, it’s decidedly not.
And I’m Chinese.
That’s so funny, ‘cause I’m half Japanese and--
Blonde: Oh my God, you can’t just ask people why they’re--
Random producer: ...excuse me.
The girl in the green-ish thing?
What’s your name again?
Asian: Xiao Wu.
Producer: yeah… uh…
Could you follow me?
The judges want to see you.
Xiao Wu (and the producer) walk away into the vast hallway, while the blonde is left to her own thoughts…
Meanwhile, in a simple panel room, the judges discuss amongst themselves.
Olga: ALL-RIGHT! So, here we have it, guys. Are y’all ready?
Katherine: Hell yeah.
Olga: So, what we’re gonna do is…
these poor bastards have woken up at 5:30 in the morning to do a simple photoshoot with some unfinished-looking scraps of clothing that production claims to be swimsuits.
Then they were driven to this remote location that no one even bothered to dress up a little bit to even look like something else other than the hellhole it is--
Katherine: EEEEEASY. MAAAAN.
Daniel: You sure know how to put the fun in things, Olgie…
Olga: It is 10 in the afternoon and I am not in the mood.
Daniel: It’s been a long time since I worked with you, Olgie. You ain’t the little girl I used to know, are you?
Olga: ...that little girl is long gone. And do not call me Olgie again if you want to live.
Olga: So, anyway, the girls were driven here so we can take a look at them. There’s gonna be the result of that photoshoot popping up on that screen over there--
Katherine: Isn’t that, like, the wall?
Olga: WORK WITH ME HERE, KATHERINE.
...as I was saying before I got rudely interrupted,
the girls are gonna enter, we’re gonna ask them questions… it’s pretty much like a go-see.
Rinse and repeat until the 10th girl is out the door, then they’re gonna go to a beautiful mansion and try to survive amongst themselves while we get endlessly chased around by random trainees until panel day.
You got all that?
Katherine: Hey, look look look!
There’s a picture in there!
Olga: This is it, you guys.
We’re about to witness the birth of something very... special.
Xiao Wu enters the room.
Daniel: *to Katherine* she looks so pissed…
Olga: Um, hello, honey? Can you introduce yourself, please?
Xiao Wu: My name is Xiao Wu Zhang, I’m 19, and I’m from SanFran.
Katherine: oh wow she speaks English
Olga:Well, Katherine, she literally just said she’s from San Francisco--
Xiao Wu: THANK YOU.
Olga: So, honey, you’re from Chinese descent?
Xiao Wu: YES. YES I AM. It isn’t that hard to just ask, is it?
Olga: I came to America from Korea at an early age - believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
Xiao Wu: ...wait. Who are y’all, again?
Somebody hold me.
Daniel: Chill, Olgie. We’ve been away for a long time, the new age might not recognize us like the old age would.
Katherine: hell people wouldn’t recognize me in any age
...fair enough. My name is Olga Park, and I’m a successful former eLouai model and VEMA alumni who has gone on to work for brands like Louis Vuitton, Elouai Candybar and Alvari.
I’ve retired for a few years to… sort things out, but they called me for this show and I just could not resist the opportunity.
Daniel: I’m Daniel Freemont, and I’m a fashion designer.
I worked in the 90’s with supermodels like Valezca Petrova and Olgie here.
My brand is showing off-schedule but still going strong.
Katherine: And I’m Katherine Smalls.
I’ve been styling for Daniel’s shows and collections ever since he started out, and I’m also helping him with his social media efforts.
Xiao Wu: Okay, nice to meet y’all!
Olga: In all fairness to you, though, you seem a lot less… irritated than before, Xiao Wu. Why is that?
Xiao Wu: First of all, YOU PRONOUNCED MY NAME RIGHT.
NO ONE GETS IT RIGHT EVER.
I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY SHED A TEAR OF FULFILLMENT.
‘K back to your question it’s just that… I have a serious medical condition that makes every hair in my body raise at the sight of sheer stupidity.
So... when I witness people being helplessly dumb, I have to fight relentlessly against that, or else, the very fiber of my being is threatened.
Katherine: Short version?
Xiao Wu: I like keeping it real.
As you like to “keep it real”, I will also “keep it real” and not waste anymore of your precious time.
Thank you, dear.
Xiao Wu: Thank you.
Katherine: for someone who likes to keep it real, she’s very wordy, ain’t she?
Olga: well, she’s my type of girl.
She doesn’t waste any time.
I like that in a person.
Daniel: But what about her picture?
I mean, her body looks bangin’, it’s dynamic and interesting, but do you get the feeling she has no idea what to do with her face?
Katherine: that is exactly what I was gonna say.
And it looks like both her hands are missing.
Olga: It’s not all that bad.
If she can work out her angles, I think she’s set.
Lovely body, height, beautiful face--
Daniel: Love her beauty, too. Very subtly striking.
Katherine: oh please.
Subtly striking only means that you’re too boring to be striking and too weird to be subtle.
Olga: Well, that’s what I call “keeping it real”.
Katherine: I keep it realer than this girl ever could, tyvm.
Daniel: Oh look guys, there’s another picture up there!
and what a picture it is…
Daniel: Look at the body on her!
Olga: And that face!
Daniel: She’s totally fierce, and yet completely efortless.
Katherine: I bet she’s gonna be amazing.
The blonde girl enters the room.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIII! WHAT UP YOU GUYS! KAIIRI de-su-YO!
Daniel: oh, brother.
Kaiiri: *turns to camera*
Do you see the new camerawork?
Look at all the lights!
Do I look prettier now?
I mean, a potato under professional lighting is just a prettier potato, but at least it looks expensive, right?
So, today you guys, we are gonna talk about--
Olga: Erm, honey? This ain’t your vlog.
*turns to judges*
It’s totally a habit thing, you guys!
I swear sometimes you just get home and you start rolling, so you see a camera and it’s just BOOM!
The script just pops into your head, you know?
Olga: Okay, breathe. Take a deep, deep breath.
Kaiiri: ..but... I am breathing?
Olga: I know, I’m saying that to myself.
So, what’s your name again?
Kaiiri: I go by Kaiiri, because it sounds really japanese and name-y and kawaii, desu ne?
Olga: Okay… next time just tell us what we need to hear. Age and location?
Kaiiri: I’m only eighteen, and I come from the deep, deep bowels of New York Cityyyyyy!
Daniel: *to Katherine* I can’t believe New York didn’t kill her yet.
Katherine: you mean, body or soul?
Olga: And you’re… well, I didn’t need to read your file to tell, but it says you’re a Youtuber?
Kaiiri: Yepyepyep! 70K and growing! :D
Olga: So, what content do you make for this channel of yours?
Kaiiri: Well, like, we started out as sort of geeky stuff thing ‘cause like, I was super into anime back then and stuff, and then I noticed that most of my public was girls, and most of those girls were constantly asking me “OMG KAIIRI HOW DO YOU LOOK SO PRETTY DO A MAKEUP TUTORIAL PLZ” and so I did one, and then another one, and before I knew it, like, it changed the focus to more of a lifestyle and beauty thing, but I still tried to keep in touch with that geeky side, you know?
I just like to think that the channel grew with its followers y’know heehee
Can you just tell me something?
Because, like… what do people actually see in anime?
I remember kids at school used to call me anime-girl which was incredibly rude because I’m Korean, but then I tried to watch something or other once and I was bored to tears.
What is it that fascinates people about this stuff?
Kaiiri: idk for me it’s just like, it’s the best way to connect with my culture and all…
Olga: ...wait. Your culture?
Daniel: You’re Japanese, dear?
Kaiiri: on my father’s side, yeah.
Daniel: And your mother’s?
Kaiiri: Um… Finnish.
Well done, Mom and Dad.
Olga: ...wow. Well, I think that’s all we have for today...
Kaiiri: OKAY thank you so much for watching and for listening and liking and subscribing, ARIGATOU GOZAIMAAAASU!
y’all make the world a better place!
You can follow me on Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat, Twitter and Pinterest @kaiiriluo thank you so much to all the Luovers out there
I hope you have a beautiful day today! BAAAAAAI!
Daniel: ...does anyone else get the feeling that it’s been a thousand years since this girl came in?
Olga: Absolutely. I mean, she’s astonishingly beautiful.
Katherine: And that body could make a grown man cry.
Daniel: See, when she entered the room, all I could notice was how much a bombshell she was, and how edgy her face could actually look, and then…
Olga: She opened her mouth.
Katherine: As it is, my first impressions were correct. She's literal perfection. Flaw-less.
Daniel: Did you even hear anything she said, Kath? *hisses* She’s a Youtuber!
Katherine: Yes, and not only a Youtuber with 70K followers on social media, but a content creator who’s been aware of her public’s demands from the very beginning and has managed to build a fanbase around that without sacrificing her original content.
...who’s not hearing things, now?
Katherine: Do you know how many followers she’s gonna get from this? Do you know how followers we’re gonna get from this?
Daniel: I… still don’t get it. I just think this whole Youtuber thing is becoming the new soccer-player-wife job. She just doesn’t have much to add.
Olga: ...or does she? I mean, she's basically a marketing genius. She could be a genius in other areas, too, including, you know, modeling.
Katherine: Think about it, Dan. Think about the pull this girl has. Think about the reach she could give to your brand!
Olga: And, I mean, a face like that comes once in a million years.
Daniel: ...I’m just not convinced.
Katherine: Oh please, you’re just holding your bias against her. Honestly, I don’t think I even need to see anyone else. Just crown this girl and get it over with.
Daniel: Come on, isn’t that ridiculously premature?
Katherine: I doubt someone like her will come along. She's the whole package.
Daniel: Speak for yourself, honey.
Olga: Well, Kath, you may have got your winner already…
Daniel: But we still have 8 more crazies to choose from.
Olga: ...may God help us all, Daniel.
May God help us all.
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