• Episode 10: "Wo-manatees"

    Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were taken to Jamaica where they had to dance for the natives. Having the most stankiest of leggs, Kiara and Nastasia won the challenge. Afterwards, the girls took on a shoot in a raft with Rob Evans. While Nastasia and Laura rode the Proud Mary, Kiara had difficulty with the tides. But ultimately, it was Victoria whose hopes and dreams washed away in the current. Now, only five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

    Coming back from panel, Kiara comments that "the bottom" is a scary place to be. 69% of viewers agree. Laura bitches about Leila and says that it’s “not fair” that she can return to the competition.

    Leila however, states that she’s “worked hard” in the Comeback Series and being the bigger person, even offers to clean up the Haterade seeping out of Laura’s skin.

    Mary Moppins

    During dinner, the girls realize that the competition is getting “down to the wire”. “I’ll do just about anything to win”, Kiara says, recalling a thought in the shower. With that spirit, I’m sure we’ll be seeing her penetrate the competition pretty soon…

    A Dolphin’s Tale

    The next day, the girls are driven to the beach where Johnny introduces them to Cedella Marley, the daughter of Bob Marley. Without dreads and a cloud of smoke surrounding her, I would have never guessed!

    Anyway, she announces her “line of swimwear” (her father’s old blunts taped onto squares of fabric) and challenges the girls to a photoshoot. Inspired by Tyra’s wet dreams gone wrong, the girls will be posing with two dolphins.

    Kiara, being a fan of gay sharks, takes great pictures both in and out of the water. Kristin, preferring her queers on land, struggles with the shoot. Looking to protect his fellow homo, Johnny chastises Kristin instead of the dolphins for the lack of energy in her shots.

    During Leila’s shoot, the dolphin must have heard about her previous elimination, because it flips out and accidentally smacks her with its tail. Despite the pain in her thigh, Leila continues on and after she pacifies the dolphin, produces a great photo.

    Having seen Leila’s stunning performance, Laura starts to get desperate. In a move inspired by Katy Perry, Laura attempts to gain the good graces of Johnny Wujek.

    The Ones That Got Away

    But Johnny’s Peacock is not impressed. During her shoot, Nastasia looked strong and had the “right connection” to the environment.

    At the end, Cedella calls Kiara a “video girl”, Kristin a tourist, and Laura a little too one hit one look. So, the winner of the challenge, who will receive a spa treatment and $3,000 worth of bedazzled conch shells, is…

    LEILA! She chooses Kiara to split her ‘jewelry’ and spa treatment with. While Kiara and Leila celebrate over her spoils, Kristin calls them out for being fake. Wrong, Kristin! Their excitement for multi-colored beads is nothing but genuine!

    Nevertheless, she and Laura dish about how unauthentic Kiara and Leila actions are. Then almost immediately, in a totally non-hypocritical scene, the two mean girls try to gain brownie points with the male audience.

    Every Diss Begins With ‘K’

    After the two act out the first scene of Jennifer’s Body for the eager cameramen, the girls get a Tyra Mail:

    “Whether you’re a sheek babbling brook or a fierce raging river, remember that when you’re chasing the tide of Top Model, it is easy to fall. Luv, Tyra.”

    Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

    The next day, the girls arrive at a waterfall where Johnny introduces them to their photographer: TYRA BANKS! Tyra’s goal is to create “works of art” and ultimately; wants to hang up one of these images in her “salon”. Read as: wants to lure men into her lair with promises of attractive women on the walls.

    All of the girls are anxious; excited at the possibility of leading thousands of males to their imprisonment in Tyra’s basement. Before the shoot, the girls are given idiotic words that they must embody in their photos: Leila has wood (lady beavers’ fav snack), Kristin is fabric (Tim Gunn’s bitch), Nastasia takes on pipes (Mario and Luigi sex dream), Kiara gets metal (Steven Hawking’s junk), and Laura adopts shells (small mermaid bras).

    Nastasia had a good performance. Despite not being able to hear Tyra well on set, she followed direction well and gave lots of interesting shapes. Laura, on the other hand, was really nervous about slipping off of the rocks. Well on the bright side, if overly-tanned Laura falls, everyone can enjoy a freshly squeezed glass of orange juice.

    But her nerves weren’t the only thing holding Laura back. The water cascading down on her was overpowering Laura and she couldn’t focus. Considering Tyra’s filthy mind, I wouldn’t be surprised if that fluid isn’t water. Still, Laura should be doing well in this shoot; only few people can say they’ve lived through a song by The Weather Girls:

    It’s Raining (Se)men

    Kristin also has troubles with the tides. Even though she tried to keep it tight, the fabric she was working with kept falling off #condomproblems. Nevertheless, Tyra was impressed by her dedication and her lack of complaining on set.

    Kiara did a great job as a “warrior princess”. Tyra noted her tooching and smizing throughout the whole shoot. Similarly, Leila also got good feedback. When she pointed her toes at the beginning of the shoot, both Tyra and Poseidon foamed at the mouth.

    After the shoot, the girls received a Skull Mail:

    “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only four of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”


    "You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

    "You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

    Leila: After the judges let out a collective gasp of “amazing”, Rob notes that she is modeling “head to toe”. Tyra comments that she is “owning every fiber and inch of her being” and Kelly concludes that she has the “best shot of the season”. With that, Leila is awarded straight 10s.

    Kristin: Kelly calls it “awkward” and gives it a 7. Rob agrees, noting the lack of tension in the body position, deeming it a 8. While Tyra agrees with these critiques, she grants Kristin a 9 because she realizes the difficulty of the fabric on set.

    Nastasia: Kelly notes the elongation and deems it an 8. Between the “power” in her pose and the growth of her social media presence, the other two judges give her 9s.

    Laura: Rob loves the “fierce eyes” and awards her a 9. Kelly, however, declares that there is no “justice” for her body and gives her a “schumpy” 7. After a lesson on working her angles, Tyra deems Laura an 8.

    Kiara: Rob’s pants get wet over the tooch and Tyra calls it her “best shot to date”. The fans adore her “sensuality and stare” and with that, she receives two 10s and a 9.

    “Now the judges and I will deliberate and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

    Backstage, Kristin gets pissed at Leila and Kiara for “celebrating” at her possible funeral. She calls them “disrespectful” but Kiara ignores her, content with patting her weave. When Leila tries to defend herself, Kristin spews out, “I hate you so I don’t care.” NO ONE PUTS KRISTIN IN A CORNER (or a binder).

    “Five beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 4 photos in my hands. And these four photos represent the four of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

    LEILA (46.4)

    And the girl who will be displayed in my salon (and who will help me kidnap the future fathers of my children) is…

    KIARA (42.2)

    NASTASIA (40.3)

    “Will Laura and Kristin please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 35.9 to 34.0, that girl is…”


    Even though she is going home, Kristin is “not upset” about leaving these “fake” bitches. She is going to continue on the industry and use this experience for bigger things.

    Next week, the competition dwindles down to three! The girls’ dreams come true during a shoot with a horse Sarah Jessica Parker. But it’s not a day at the races for everyone; Leila gets a little carried away and freaks out at the shoot. So, until next week, our hearts go out to animal-fearing Leila:

    Sex and the Pity

    Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...
    This article was originally published in forum thread: America's Next Top Model cycle 19: College Edition Recaps started by Jade's Baby View original post