• Episode 9: "Jamaican Me Crazy"

    Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were sent on go-sees. After Markus Barrington (who I’d rather come and see) announced Laura the winner, the girls took on a shoot at prison. Even though she blended into her orange jumpsuit, Laura and her tan got out for good behavior. Despite Victoria getting twenty years to life, it was Brittany who received the death sentence. But then Tyra announces that she will reveal the comeback contender! So, who will return to the competition? And who will be eliminated tonight?

    After Tyra instructs her bodyguards to release the eliminated girls from the island of misfit decoys, she announces that one of them will return. She promises them a chance to join the others at the international destination; which is…JAMAICA!

    While the other girls ecstatically fantasize about the olive-skinned men of Jamaica, Laura’s skin sizzles at the thought of the tanning opportunities to come.

    3rd Cock from the Sun

    After Laura applies her ninth coat of sunscreen, Tyra reviews the social media scores of the eliminated girls. One by one, the amount of returning girls, just like Tyra’s fertile egg count, diminishes:

    Destiny (4.53)
    Darian (4.64)
    Yvonne (4.76)
    Jessie (5.04)
    Brittany (5.41)

    And with a score of 5.84 to 5.44, the girl returning to the competition is…


    All the girls, in a collective sigh, express their fear of Leila’s retaliation. Noticing their fleeting chances at the title, the girls take Kristin Loman’s lead to save themselves from the next four weeks of inferiority.

    Death of a Failsman

    But with her blinding hair and even brighter skin, Laura is ready to take on the biblical Goleilath.

    Back in the house, Nastasia is excited to “go somewhere”. Victoria feels “lonely” and wants to talk to her mother for words of encouragement. Laura, on the other hand, isn’t letting anything “hold her back.”

    Just Dance

    The girls arrive at the Half-Moon Resort (Tyra had to show her half moon to pay for that!) where they are greeted by stereotypical Jamaican dance. Tyra welcomes them in her native weave and initiates a celebration.

    Kiara immediately grinds with her tour guide Korey, who kisses her to the beat of Tyra’s drumming circle. I might not be an expert in Jamaican wedding customs, but I’m pretty sure they’re married now.

    The Honeymooners

    Meanwhile, the other girls dance with their male models, who are (unwillingly) festive about Jamaica’s switch from British rule to Tyra’s reign. Under this new Tyranny, the girls receive a quick teach about the differences between smizing and tooching.

    Despite the royal decrees falling out of Tyra’s mouth, Kiara manages to flirt with Korey. Who knew Smizese was the new language of love

    After Tyra pays Kiara’s dowry, the girls are met by Jonte. He introduces Konshens, who is a famous dancer and singer. Konshens challenges the girls to a dance-off, where the winners will receive $3,000 worth of ‘jewelry’. Now that a boatful of colored beads is on the line…

    Victoria tried to not make an ass of herself. Nastasia and Kiara on the other hand, were just asses. Korey approves. Kristin didn’t want to look stupid, so she left Laura to give “attitude” alone. And by “attitude”, she means shaking her terribly gold-encrusted vagina.

    All That Glitters Is Not Mold

    She’s really putting the ‘best’ back in ‘asbestos’! After the three teams finish ‘dancing’, Konshens judges them using his ever so accurate equation:

    After much consideration, Laura/Kristin receive a 7, Leila/Victoria get an 8, and the winners, Nastasia/Kiara, are granted a 9.

    Back in the house, Kristin and Laura gossip about Leila. Kristin feels that she can only take “nice photos” and not well-rounded enough to be a top model. Laura agrees but still feels threatened by her in this competition.

    The Raft of Khan

    The next day, the girls are met by Johnny Wujek and Rob Evans on a raft. They are introduced to the Martha Bay River, which will serve as the backdrop of this shoot.

    According to Johnny, the premise of the shoot is a love triangle between Rob and a male model of the girls’ choosing. Obviously, Kiara picks the old ball n’ chain. Unfortunately for her, that outfit is not doing her any favors. For the preservation of her marriage, let’s hope that Korey likes his women curvy.

    Here Comes the Wide

    Nevertheless, she was able to keep her affairs in order. Laura on the other hand, had trouble connecting to the men and the camera.

    Even though she’s too much of a square for a love triangle, Nastasia was able to use her angles and still remain in character. Rob, who entirely misunderstood the term ‘comeback’, was ecstatic to ejaculate on Leila’s torso. Fortunately, she still found it easy to engage all elements of the shoot.

    Victoria easily created her aristocratic character but failed to emerge as an ‘artist’. Johnny was also unimpressed with Kristin, questioning her place in the top 6. Even after some mentoring, she was unable to follow direction well. Within the first two minutes of the shoot, you can tell Johnny is contemplating whether or not to replace Kristin in the middle of that triangle…

    To Seamen or Not To Seamen

    After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail:

    “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 5 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”


    "You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”

    "You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."

    Nastasia: Kelly loves the body posture but Tyra is not pleased with the hoochy tooch. Despite their 8 and 7, Rob loves the “queen of the jungle” and gives her a regal 10.

    Leila: Kelly and Rob call her “amazing” and give her 8’s. Tyra, like the fans, thinks she failed, and deems it a 6.

    Kiara: The judges are left hazy by the disconnection and it’s stiff. But enough about Rob. She gets two 6’s and a 7.

    Victoria: Kelly connects it to a Celine Dion ad and with Rob, gives her a 6. Tyra agrees, calling it an “overthought” 7.

    Kristin: Rob compares the bottom half to a “lap dance”. After he gives her a 7, Kelly calls it a 7. Tyra gives her an 8 and a ‘lesson’ on how to let loose…

    Laura: Kelly loves the “Barbie Rapunzel” and awards her an 8. Tyra and Rob settle on 9’s.

    “Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”

    “Six beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”

    NASTASIA (39.3)

    LAURA (38.9)
    LEILA (34.9)
    KRISTIN (33.3)

    “Will Kiara and Victoria please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.5 to 31.3, that girl is…”


    But don’t cry for her, Argentina! Victoria gives an eloquent speech about how thankful she is for the experience and grateful to Tyra.

    Next week, the girls will shoot in a “dangerous waterfall” where apparently, Leila burns her vagina. Sounds hot. So until next time…

    The Labia Who Played With Fire
    This article was originally published in forum thread: America's Next Top Model cycle 19: College Edition Recaps started by Jade's Baby View original post