But with the recent news that Tyra wants to conceive a child, don’t feel too sorry for the rejected hommes. Just like her legs, I’m sure that the role of Tyra’s sugar daddy is open to all.
Mamma Who Whore Me
Now that’s a spring awakening you don’t want to miss! So until she gets her own dating/procreation show (I Will Always Love Youterus), we’ll just have to settle for her latest college-themed menstrual cycle:
Previously on America’s Next Top Model, the girls were challenged to commit crimes of fashion random acts of modeling. After Laura proved adept at mundanely smizing, the women took on a grungy shoot at a motel. While Nastasia and Brittany rose from the ashes, Laura regurgitation left the judges wanting more. But unfortunately, it was Allyssa whose dream of becoming America’s Next Top Model was licked clean. Now, only 6 girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Back in the house, the girls are still in shock at Laura’s bottom 2 appearance. She’s been though “a lot” but now, wants to “put it in God’s hands”. Forget about genocide, world hunger, and Christina Aguilera’s career, Laura’s chances in this competition get first priority in the eyes of the Lord!
On the other side of heaven, Brittany has received a letter from her sister, which leads her to a flood of tears. Let’s paraphrase, shall we?
During dinner, the girls converse about Victoria. Kristin and the others are “concerned” about her stability but she wants them to “just drop it”. If by ‘it’, she means ‘three pounds’, then I’m game!
Cast Friday Night
The next day, the girls are met by Kelly Cutrone and Markus Barrington, the super hot agent from LA Models. Even Kelly, whose dressed in her usual attire, lights up when this beautiful specimen enters the room. Unfortunately for her, the juxtaposition of these two makes her feminine wiles much less desirable.
Beauty and the Yeast
Then he speaks! Markus serenades us with his angelic voice: the girls will have 5 hours to go to 5 castings. Each designer will only book one girl but one girl can book more than one designer. Sigh…with all this talk of booking, I’d jump on his ‘dic’tionary anyday…
And with that, the girls are off! Kristin and Brittany decide to venture to Guess, the most important client, first. They are impressed by the “contender” Kristin but feel that Brittany is “too girl next door” for their brand.
In I <3 Ronson, Kiara’s tone was “unprofessional”. Nastasia, on the other hand, had a “sophisticated” look that the client loved. At Whitney Port’s, there was an awkward mood during Victoria’s interview. Whitney felt that she was “trying too hard”.
During the Cecilia Cassini casting, Kiara impressed the 13-year-old with her “flare for fashion”. Victoria was declared “too boney” for the line and Nastasia had issues with her height.
At Lulu Guinness, Laura was praised for her “statuesque presence”. Kristin, on the other hand, was criticized for being “too uptight”. And by “too uptight”, I’m pretty sure that Lulu means “doesn’t have collagen the size of baby cattle.”
Veal It with a Kiss
Me smashing Markus’ box. Oh, how a boy can dream. Anyway, he tells them the positive and negative feedback from the clients and the bookings are:
Nastasia- Lulu Guinness
Kiara- Cecilia Cassini
Kristin- Charlotte Ronson
Laura- Guess & Whitney Port
While the girls are enjoying a nice festive meal, they get harassed by an overgrown beaver with tanorexia, a.k.a. P’Trique. He gives them a…
Just like half of these girls, the amount of fucks I give about this man are equal to the amount of chins Brittany has:
Less than Two
Prison of a Bitch
Victoria and her country bumpkin persona didn’t impress Johnny. After calling her “too intense”, she began to take some “amazing” shoots.
Kristin, on the other hand, had trouble focusing. Despite her amazing look, the photographer was worried that he would be unable to find “great shots.”
Nastasia embraced her “tough” character and worked “her whole body” during the shoot. Brittany, on the other hand, had difficulty understanding her story.
Even after some advice from Johnny, her exposure was anything but indecent. I swear, if you don’t willingly do a naked booty tooch with Johnny Wujek in a prison, you don’t deserve to be America’s Next Top Model!
The Shawshank Conception
After the shoot, the girls receive a Skull Mail:
“Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only 5 of you will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.”
All of the girls are nervous about the impending elimination since their challenge scores are all so close.
"You know our prizes. The winner of America’s Next Top Model will receive a fashion feature in Nylon Magazine, become the face of the fragrance Dream Come True, be offered a contract with NY/LA Models, shoot an advertisement for Smashbox, and receive $100,000.”
"You all know our judges. First, we have PR maven, Kelly Cutrone. Next, we have sexy British male model, Rob Evans. We also have our social media correspondent, Bryanboy."
Side-note: What on Earth is Tyra wearing? Why is she draped in a mullet dress? Is she proud of shaving her legs for the first time in a decade? Is she trying to seduce the Scissor Sisters?
Let’s Have a Thigh-Thigh
But just like Tyra’s biological clock, we don’t have time to waste; let’s move to judging.
Kristin: Kelly is impressed by her “high fashion” pose and with Rob, gave her an 8. Tyra agrees, and deems it a 7.
Nastasia: Even though Rob didn’t like the “dead eyes”, he and Kelly gave her a 7. Tyra likes the height of her legs and gives her an 8.
Victoria: Kelly finds it “upsetting” and gave her a 6. Rob and Tyra like the “risks” and award her a 7 and 8.
Kiara: Kelly calls her a “thirty-four year-old man” and with Tyra, gives her a 7. Rob disagrees, feeling that she “calls attention”, and gifts her a 9.
Brittany: Tyra is afraid that she is “falling short” and gives a 7. Rob and Kelly are just as unimpressed, and decide on a 5 and 6.
Laura: Praised for her versatility, Laura receives a triad of 9’s.
“Now the judges and I will add up your scores and when you return, I will announce which one of you will be eliminated.”
“Six beautiful girls stand before me. But I only have 5 photos in my hands. And these five photos represent the five of you who are still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. The girl with the best score and therefore, best photo is…”
“Will Victoria and Brittany please step forward? I only have one photo in my hands. And this photo represents the girl who is still in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Model. With a score of 32.6 to 30.3, that girl is…”
But fear not! Brittany will become the final edition to the Comeback Series.
“And now, the moment of truth. Will Jessie, Darian, Destiny, Leila, Yvonne, Allyssa, and Brittany please step forward? We have calculated your social media scores and the girl with the highest average, who will be returning to the competition is…”
NOT GOING TO BE REVEALED UNTIL NEXT WEEK!!!
Who do you think should have gotten best picture? Who do you think should have been in the bottom two? Do you agree with the elimination? Who would have you eliminated? Who are your faves? What was your favorite part(s) of the recap? Anything else you wanna say? Leave any and all comments below and until next week...